Am I too strict with my teenager?

Parents sometimes worry that they are too strict with their teenagers, and then when the teenager gets into trouble, they worry that they are not strict enough. Ask any teenager about their teachers and they will tell you the teachers they like and dislike and the ones they respect. They make a distinction between liking and respecting a teacher, they may say that a certain teacher is strict, but fair, the ultimate accolade.

So how does a parent gain respect from their teenager, as opposed to being liked by their child? Many parents want their children to like them, and risk losing any control over their teenager because of this desire. Teenagers love their parents but will, at times actively dislike them when they prevent them from doing something really important to the teenager.

Strictness and yelling at teenagers is not the same thing. Some parents would benefit from assertiveness training, the ability to say no without losing control or shouting. Teenagers know exactly which buttons to push to get their parents mad and may do this deliberately, as few of us make good decisions when we are angry. If the teenager can get their parent to lose control, the power shifts to the teen and an angry, exhausted parent may give in to the teens demands because they have had enough arguing. This teaches the teenager that yelling at people is effective for them, and that anger can be used to get your own way, not a good lesson.

When a teenager does something that angers or upsets the parent, then the adult needs to take a moment before reacting. Total silence in the face of defiance can be very effective, coupled with eye contact and an expression that indicates your disapproval. There are teachers who can silence unruly teenagers with "a look", no words necessary. Cultivating your own, "look" may be a tactic parents want to adopt in place of yelling and shouting. Thinking before reacting is important, parents need to have a range of reactions dependant on the severity of the transgression.

If every time a teenager behaves badly they get yelled at they will soon switch off. Their faces go blank and they no longer listen to the parent. This will infuriate the parent further but the teenager will not respond to an increase in shouting, they will become even more defiant and shut down.

Parents need to decide in their own minds how they will react to different types of bad behavior, and adjust their tactics accordingly. In general, a low voice works best, and not engaging in the argument but reiterating why you are angry and what the consequences are is more effective than yelling about how badly the teenager has behaved.