Handling your defiant teens step parent

It may be that it is the ex partner that remarries, and there will be some fallout from this, however well meaning either parent means to be. Your teenager now has an extra reason to misbehave and this adds to your stress in handling your defiant teen. It could be that the new step parent is uninterested in a teen that is rude and defiant and refuses to allow your teen to visit their absent parent.

Much of this is down to ignorance and fear; the relationship is new and is not being helped by a rebellious teenager misbehaving! It is important that you sit down and talk to your ex partner, and their new partner and resolve these issues before they escalate. Your teenager has a right to see their absent parent, but their new step mother or father does not have to tolerate rude and defiant behavior anymore than you do.

Getting a new step parent on your side

• Explain to the new step parent some of the history of your teens' behavior; it helps them to see this in context.


• Enlist the absent parents support in these discussions; they have a responsibility to jointly parent the defiant teenager and not hide behind a new relationship!


• Agree a common approach to your teen and what sanctions for misbehavior should be


• Avoid allowing the absent parent to be the one who only offers treats and no discipline. If possible, avoid the "Sunday Father" syndrome, and have the teen stay over in the week and do ordinary activities, not just the "fun and expensive" ones.


• Alert the absent parent and step parent to any significant occurrences in your teens' life, both positive and negative, thus they are not part time strangers dipping in and out of the teens' life.


• Do not make significant decisions without discussing them with the ex and their new partner; this avoids resentment and disagreement further down the line.


• Do not interrogate your teenager on their return from staying with the absent parent; if they want to tell you what they did, they will. A casual, "did you have a nice time?" indicates interest but not obsession!


• Try not to resent the absent parent. If they are financially better off than you and able to offer the teenager a good vacation, be grateful your teen has this opportunity, and swallow your own envy.


• Do not denigrate the absent parent or step parent in front of your teenager. You may personally dislike them, but that is something to keep to yourself.

Your teenager needs your support to help them to adjust to a new person in their lives, and they need you to ensure that they do not miss out on time with their other parent because of a change in circumstances.