How much authority does the new step parent have?
Once your teen has got over the shock of you finding a new partner, the next phase of this relationship kicks in, that of accepting, or otherwise, your partners right to discipline the teen. The almost universal reaction from any teenager the first time their new step parent reprimands them is to say, "You cannot tell me to do that, you're not my mum/dad". The best response to this is to agree with them, that true, their step parent is not their mum or dad, but they are an adult to be respected in the household, and the teenager needs to learn to accept their authority.
It may be that you were having difficulties with your teenager before your new partner arrived, and were considering sending them to a residential facility. If that is your decision, your teen is bound to assume that you are sending them away because of the new partner and they are bound to feel rejected. It may be better to delay this decision until things have established themselves for the whole family.
How to deal with your teen rejecting your new partner's authority
- A previously troubled teen is not suddenly going to behave well because there is another adult telling them what to do, accept that fact!
- Your new partner may be able to help you with your teenager but they are not an instant solution. Do not put them under that kind of pressure; it will harm your relationship.
- Be careful to share your time between your children and your new partner, or else the children will get jealous and act up.
- Agree the approach to discipline with your new partner before it is put to the test; an agreed method of dealing with defiance is more effective than different reactions.
- Do not undermine your new partner in front of your teenager, if you do, they will lose all authority in the teens' eyes.
- If you disagree with your partner, do so privately, allow them to be the one to go back to your teen and say they have changed their mind, if you think the decision needs to be reversed.
- Allow some final decisions to be your partner's, and agree with them publicly, it increases their authority in key areas. Similarly, you should have power of veto in other areas, demonstrate that you are able to share responsibility but respect each other's opinions and expertise.
You are now sharing the parenting of your teen with another person; this can be both supportive and take a bit of getting used to. When your teen challenges your partner, do not despair, this is better than them ignoring them!