How much freedom should I give my teenager?
Parents are under immense pressure from their teenagers to allow them freedoms as they grow up. How much freedom is a personal choice, but many parents struggle to establish the line between keeping their teenager safe, and trusting them to behave without supervision. As your child becomes a teenager it will seem as if every rule in the house is up for negotiation, which is in effect what is happening, as teenagers push at the boundaries set by their parents. Many parents brought up in the more tolerant sixties will want to allow their children, the freedoms they strove for as a teenager; whilst others may actively rebel against this notion and return to a more Victorian approach to discipline.
Parents who expect their children to obey them without question are in for a shock when these children become teenagers. The disagreements can be handled in one of two ways, either as a negotiation or as a conflict; the former is obviously preferable to the latter. However, some parents literally do not know how to negotiate with their teenagers, and some do not see why they should.
If you are not prepared to even discuss issues with your teenager and never let them put their point of view you are doomed to failure. Initially your teenager may follow your rules, but they will rebel sooner or later, and the more rigid you are the fiercer the rebellion will be. The conflict between teenagers and parents with "Victorian values" is explosive and the teenager may quickly spiral out of control. These parents are more likely to send their defiant teen away to boarding school which may be a relief for both parties but only postpones the ultimate confrontation and complete breakdown of the parent teenager relationship.
It is better to agree a negotiated compromise for each area of freedom about which your teenager challenges. It is perfectly acceptable for one set of parents to buy their teenager a car but impose an earlier curfew than the parents next door who expect to act as a taxi service to their teens but let them stay out later. The point here is to find a compromise that is comfortable for you as parents, and a set of rules that your teenager will follow without argument. This parent teen contract can be renegotiated as time moves on and circumstances change.
Areas for discussion will be bedtimes, curfews, when homework is to be done, how much time on the Internet is acceptable, sleep-over times and going to parties and concerts. There will be occasions that arise, that have not been agreed on, you need to agree with your teenager that these will still need to be negotiated at the time and there is the possibility of a refusal. Most teenagers will accept what they see as fair, and tolerate the "unfair" if there is a balance.