My Aspergers teen has lost control!

As a parent of a teenager, you know that you need them to follow certain rules, the fact that your teen happens to have Aspergers does not change that fact. They are going to grow into an adult, they are likely to live a long life, get a job, get married, and have kids of their own. Aspergers is not a life threatening disease, it does not mean they do not have intelligence; often they are highly gifted and incredibly smart.

It simply means that some of their journey into adulthood is going to be bumpier than for a teen without Aspergers. Neither you, nor they, can use their condition as an excuse to not follow some of society's most basic rules; aggressive behavior, rudeness, defiance and violence, are not acceptable, and they need to learn this. There are times that, despite the work you may have done with your Aspergers teen on managing their temper, see "Teaching an Aspergers teen how to manage their temper!" the meltdown occurs, something has frustrated them and bang, all hell breaks loose!

Your instinctive reaction is to try and stop the tantrum; this is natural, but not always the best approach. To see different ways of handling this situation, see the checklist of ideas below. This is not an exhaustive list, may or may not work with your particular teen, you know them best, but sometimes a different approach can be effective.

How to react to an Aspergers teen meltdown

• Walk away, as long as you do not believe the teen will actually harm themselves or anyone else, walk away, do not give them an audience


• If you have taught them keywords to use when angry, use them, e.g. "breathe, count, visualize"


• Show you understand their anger, but do not agree with how it is being demonstrated. "I hear that you are angry and frustrated, but breaking things is not the way to handle this. Let me see whether I can help you to sort this out. I understand you are angry, I feel how angry you are, we have talked about this" Using the words "hear, see, feel" allows you to connect with the way your teen processes their emotions, some are visual, others emotional, the show of empathy will have more success than negative statements along the lines of "I don't know why you are behaving like this"


• Do NOT get angry and shout back at your teen that is fuel to the flames


• Do NOT physically restrain your teen unless they are going to hurt themselves or others. Angry Aspergers teens can be hyper sensitive to touch, and they may lash out at you.


• Sometimes calm music can help, sometimes the best thing to do is to let them have their meltdown, alone, without observation, until they are calm enough to talk to you again

After the meltdown, your teen is likely to feel terrible, and that is not the time to berate them. Try and find out what triggered the reaction, talk it through and explain the consequences, calmly. They have to be disciplined for their behavior, but not criticized for being the way they are, and they need to accept the fairness of the punishment.