Definition of Insanity

Someone has described insanity as doing the same things over and over, expecting different results. This is so true when it comes to raising children. Some children continue to use the same negative behaviors and we continue to give them the same positive rewards. You might be thinking I don't reward my child's negative behavior. You may want to ask yourself a few questions. What does your child do when they don't get what they are asking for? Do they calmly accept the answer and walk away thanking you for not giving into them?

Obviously not, or you would not still be reading. Most children will immediately move from request mode, to demand mode. You know the transition, they first start to whine a little, and they get a little louder, until finally the noise is deafening. They may not even know why they are doing what they are doing. You probably don't even realize that you are actually creating this problem.

All of us including our children, are creatures of habit, and we all do what has worked for us in the past. As our children grow we want them to be happy, (and quiet), so from birth we work to give the child what they want. This is not bad, it is how nature helps us know when a baby needs something. The problem comes when the child gets old enough to wait for what they want, but are not asked, or trained to wait. Transitioning a child from, "this is what I want, and I want it now", is a challenge.

Breaking the Cycle

As parents we have a tendency to continue doing what works for us also. Here is how the cycle goes. The child wants something, they cry, get loud, and eventually we give them what they want. Children from birth are rewarded, they basically "train us" to give them what they want. You may not have realized that you are actually trained by your child. If you think about it, we as parents are trained to give the child what they need. As they grow older we have a tendency to give them what they want also. Separating needs from wants, and breaking the child from demanding their wants can be difficult.

The earlier a parent breaks this cycle the easier parenting will become. Breaking this cycle usually starts when the child is old enough to communicate with. If a child is taught that they may need to wait to get what they want, they will be much more enjoyable to deal with. Of course this is not easy, but it is crucial to raising a child that is not spoiled, and demanding. The process for breaking a child from demanding immediate attention is difficult, even more so for those who are not sure what they are doing. It is easier accomplished a little at time. As the child begins to mature and move from infancy to adolescence, parents can teach the child that they will need to wait for some things they want.

Obviously it is never wise to starve a child, or refuse to change their diaper etc.. Some things need immediate attention, parents need to use discretion as they deny their children's wants. As the child is denied some "non essential" things, they will begin to understand that they are not going to get what they want, right when they want it. This principle requires a conscientious effort, and needs to be developed for the parent to have success teaching their child patience. Teaching a child to deal with "no" is critical in their developmental process.

The articles and advice on this site are suggestions from one parent to another. It is never intended to replace advice from a professional medical person. We aren't medical professionals, just parents that have raised successful fairly well adjusted children.