The step parent and the ex, how to avoid fireworks!

Your troubled teen has probably been busily doing their best to divide and conquer with you and your new partner. Wherever possible they will try to play you off against each other, as it works to the teens' advantage to have parents who cannot manage them. In fact it is self destructive behavior but the teen is acting out their hurt, frustration and jealousy, so they are hardly being rational.

In fact, one of the alarming tactics some defiant teens employ is to always do what the new parent tells them, but refuse point blank to follow any of your instructions. This is their way of punishing you and your best reaction, is no reaction. Later, you can talk to them about how you understand that they are angry and punishing you, but at the point of defiance, you have to keep your cool. The next weapon in the teens' armory is the absent parent.

There are occasions when the remarriage of one parent can lead to the teenager wanting to leave home and live with the other parent, and sometimes this works for all, but often it is a disaster! It is frequently an emotional decision, not a rational one, and the teen takes their emotional baggage along with them to the absent parent, so nothing really changes except location.

Working with the ex not against them

• Your ex should have time to meet your new partner and get to know them; they have this right as this person will be important in their teenagers' life.


• How the defiant teen is handled may vary between you and your ex partner, but fundamental rules should be agreed.


• Your new partner needs to be part of the three, possibly four of you establishing the boundaries for your teenager. Being consistent is the most powerful weapon you as parents have, and your teen will greatly benefit from the security of knowing what the rules are wherever they may be.


• Old hurts and bitterness have no place here; the only important person in this equation is your teenager.


• If you try to score points off each other in an attempt to be the favorite parent, your teenager is the one who ultimately suffers.


• If access arrangements have to change for whatever reason, discuss this with your teenager, they have a right to be heard.

There is no need for a remarriage to become a battleground between you and your ex, in the same way as you should not punish them should they choose to remarry. The focus of your discussions should always be the child you share, not your feelings about each other.