Step siblings and fairness within the family
The single oft most heard cry from any child faced with a frustrating situation is, "It's not fair!" Too often they are right, it is not fair, and let's face it, life is often unfair, but as parents you do not need to add injustice to this. When you remarry, your new partner may also already have children, and they will feel as anxious about you as your teenager feels about your new partner.
You may find that you now have more than one defiant teenager in the household, and the new one is a complete stranger to you! This addition to your family has a whole history of behavior that you are unfamiliar with in the same way as your teenager may seem like an alien to your new partner. Trying to be fair to all the children in your combined families will be tough, but easier to manage if you do some planning beforehand.
Managing a step family, and being fair
- Sit down with your new partner and brainstorm what might be every, conceivable defiance that your children could throw at you!
- Draw up an agreed list of sanctions and reactions to these transgressions and rule breaking behaviors.
- Now, shock your children by asking their opinion on these sanctions! Frequently, children are far harsher on themselves when asked, than their parents would be in these circumstances.
- Stick the list of sanctions on the refrigerator. Apply equally to all, with no exceptions!
- Now do the same with rewards for good behavior; we often are so focused on dealing with bad behavior in defiant and troubled teens that we forget how to say well done when they behave well.
- A second area of "unfairness" that teens frequently complain about is chores. This is where they are not likely to be so cooperative, there will be some chores they hate, and those ones should be put on a Rota!
- Combining two families' sets of rules will reveal areas of disagreement; these should be discussed between you and your partner and a compromise must be reached. Generally speaking, neither half of the new family should see a net loss; overall they should gain from the joining of the two families!
- Where possible, allow your teen to keep space that is their own, whether in your original house or in your partner's home, it is important that they are able to have some privacy. The same applies for your new step children.
Life may not be fair, and step families may find the first few months tough to get used to; but you and your partner can do your best to be as transparent as possible about the rules in your new family being equally applied to all.