Teenagers who divide their parents

Parents bringing up teenagers will sometimes disagree on the way to treat their teenager, this is a normal part of family dynamics, and parents will not always agree on everything. However, they do need to agree that whatever, they feel, they will be consistent with how they treat their children. How to parent the teenager should not become a source of conflict otherwise the teenager will receive mixed messages and their behavior will deteriorate. As small children, kids are very good at knowing, very quickly, which parent is the more likely to buy that ice cream, let them stay up a bit later, or read that extra bedtime story.

As children grow up, they make decisions in their own minds about who is the "strong" parent and which one is more persuadable. Often, it is a matter of gender, girls more likely to persuade their fathers and sons more likely to enlist mum when a decision needs to go in their favor. This is hardly surprising, mum knows exactly which feminine wiles work and which do not, and will not be persuaded by their teenage daughter's tactics. Conversely, fathers may have very high expectations from their sons, and mum is more likely to support their sons if they feel that they are being asked to be too tough.

This is a normal part of family life, and exasperating though it may be for the parent whose decision has been overturned, there is a certain amount of tolerance exercised. It becomes a problem when the teenager actively manipulates their parent to achieve what they want. This will often involve, ensuring that one parent is unaware of the request, only asking the more favorably inclined parent and actively encouraging a better relationship with that parent.

A teenager who deliberately creates friction between their parents to achieve their ends is displaying a particularly unpleasant personality trait which needs to be corrected. This manipulation can extend to supporting one parent against the other when an argument ensues between them and is often more prevalent in couples who are on the verge of separation or considering divorce. The teenager may be manipulating one parent to ensure they can engage in behavior of which both parents would disapprove.

When parents unite in the face of this manipulation the teenager may act out seriously, furious that their power has been curtailed, resentful that the parent is no longer on their side. This behavior can quickly deteriorate and one parent may become the target of the teens' anger, frustration and defiance.

At this stage, parents need to re-evaluate their parenting technique, establish a baseline they both agree on and stay united in the face of their teenagers' onslaught. This may need a period of time with the teenager away from home, receiving behavior modification treatment whilst the parents themselves seek some guidance as to how to manage their teenager upon their return.