Understanding your step son's hostility!
For many fathers, marrying a woman who has children seems a good idea, as they hope that the combined parenting knowledge will benefit both families. Many men are doing just fine bringing up their kids on their own, but generally speaking, according to all the statistics on stress, a married man is the least stressed out of all genders, married or single. So, despite the apparent resistance to marriage exhibited by many young men, marriage is good for you if you are male!
In the current climate it is not unusual for two people getting married, to both have children, and juggling the new combined family can be a challenge for all concerned. If that family contains teenagers, then the difficulties are compounded by the normal issues of adolescence. On average, divorced women spend more time on their own before remarrying than divorced men. Thus if you are a man marrying a woman with children, chances are, those children have spent some significant amount of time with their mother and no man in the house.
You may, rightly, believe that your presence in the family, will add benefit and that you can positively contribute to the whole family's well being. The one person, who may not agree with you, is your new wife's son!
Why is your step son hostile?
- His mother has been left by one man already, his father, either deliberately, or through tragic circumstances. He is not sure whether to trust you
- He sees his job as protecting his mother from those who would hurt her
- He probably knows his mother better than you do, and gets annoyed when you do not understand her
- He is probably more empathetic towards women than many boys his age, and may see your behavior as being too traditionally male!
- He has been the man of the house for a period of time, whatever his age, this is how he sees himself
- He resents you coming in and making decisions for the family
- He resents his mother's affection towards you; he is not used to seeing that
- He realizes that he was not truly the man of the house as he sees you being so, this may make him feel somewhat inadequate
Despite all of these feelings, your step son may be secretly relieved that he no longer has to look after his mother, but he wants to be sure that you are going to do the job properly and not let her down! All you can do is treat him with respect, reassure him that you love his mother and want to take care of her, and allow him to trust you. It will take time but in the end, you will have an ally, and his mother will have two men who care for her!