Divorced Parents, How to Handle Access Arrangements
When parents divorce, it causes stress for everyone in the family, no matter how well the divorce is managed. In abusive relationships, the removal of the father from the family home can help immensely, but the abuse may not have been understood by the children and therefore they just see their dad has left, and may blame their mother.
Where the divorce follows a protracted period of argument and conflict between the parents, the children may be relieved when finally one parent moves out. This may be followed by feelings of guilt that they are glad a parent has left with anger at the parent for leaving, and distress as they see the impact on the remaining parent.
Once the separation is established, the question of access will become an issue; and parents should try to set up an arrangement that is fair and equitable to all parties. Rarely are the children consulted during this process, parents seem to think that the divorce "belongs" to them, the adults, when in reality the whole family is affected by what has happened. It is important that teenagers and older children have a say in the access arrangements, these are not for the benefit of the adults, but are for the children to maintain contact with the absent parent.
Teenagers are more likely to express their feelings quite forcefully, especially if they are angry with their parents, but sometimes, fearful of causing further upset, they will agree to whatever arrangement suits the remaining parent. If there is animosity between the separating parents, children and access arrangements become the battleground, with one parent scoring points off the other one by changing or limiting access to demonstrate power and control.
Teenagers will punish their parents for a long time for upsetting their world, and if they are used as a weapon in the parental battle, apart from the emotional damage the parents are causing, the teenager will retaliate at some point and their behavior may become extreme. The parent who has majority custody may find that the rules in the two households are different and that they experience the backlash when the teenager returns from an access visit, refusing to comply with the rules of the house. Where possible the two parents should have the same rules, same curfews and consult each other when a significant event is occurring.
Even parents with the best intentions, who communicate regularly, will make mistakes, and the angry teen will exploit this as the households are separate. Parents setting up access arrangements need to be extra careful that a teen has a balance of discipline and support from both parents and that their wishes are respected. If a teen suddenly decides that they do not want to see the absent parent, or even that they now want to live with them, the parents will need to discuss with the teen, together if possible, the reasons and try to reach a compromise. Communication and consistency are the keys to making access arrangements work for the teenager, and the parents.