How to deal with a step daughter's extreme jealousy
The father daughter relationship is the subject of many articles and books, but if you are a woman stepping into the breach of an absent mother, then your relationship with your step daughter is going to be one of the most crucial factors affecting your relationship with your partner. A teenage girl who has abandonment issues regarding her mother is likely to be in desperate need of a positive female role model.
She may have very low self esteem as a result of the abandonment, and be angry at her father for his perceived part in the situation. You could be her lifeline, or she could see you as a threat. Alternatively, a teenage girl who only sees her father part time, may resent you significantly and see you as someone taking her father from her, and she could be intensely jealous. Until you are in this situation, there is no way of knowing how a teenage girl will react to you being part of her family. There are some things you can do to mitigate the worst, and other tactics for dealing with jealous behavior.
Handling a jealous step daughter
- Talk to your partner about his relationship with his daughter to get an idea of how it has got better, worsened, how it operates
- If the mother is still around, do not make an enemy of her, however rude she is to you; it will not help matters if you are rude in return!
- Make sure that your step daughter has specific quality time with her dad, which nobody else can join in with
- Spend some time with your stepdaughter without her father around, establishing some connection between you
- Do things as an entire family, regularly and build routines that are positive to help counteract jealousy
- Do not tell her she is bad, rude, out of order; only ever criticize the behavior, not the child
- Make sure that you have private time with your partner that is sacrosanct, e.g. lock the bedroom and bathroom doors, and do not allow your daughter familiarity with your physical relationship; that is inappropriate and damaging for her.
Your partner may be unaware of his daughter's jealousy, or prefer to ignore it, but he cannot be allowed to abdicate that responsibility. He needs to support you in your endeavors to maintain harmony, and discipline his daughter when she is rude or defiant. If he constantly takes her side, you may need to involve a counselor to help him to see how this does not help his daughter, and ultimately will damage your relationship. However, you must also ensure that, as an adult, you recognize and control any of your own jealousy! To understand more about girls and their particular problems, see "Teen Girl Issues".